The call is out: The U.S. Post Office is running at a deficit. The red ink is piling up at a rapid pace so it is time to raise postage rates to cover the shortfall. You would think under the current environment the Post Office would grasp at any stream of additional revenue. The Internet and electronic bill pay has reduced mail volumes with only one notable growth area: Netflix. Even with streaming, Netflix still provides a steady and massive volume of mail.
A few days ago I put a Netflix movie in my mailbox and raised the flag. When I returned home that evening the movie was still there and the flag still up. I called the post office to complain and was informed that if I have no inbound mail the mail carrier is not required to pickup outbound mail.
And now you know why the Post Office is broke. They drive past easy business.
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Gus What?
Now that tax season is finally winding down I have the time to reflect on what I want to do with the extra three or four free minutes I get each day. (Yes, I know it is June. I'll explain later.) This blog post will help you understand how your friendly accountant thinks. It is insightful because I see a lot of people over the year and how they manage their money, time, and lives. I recently had a brainstorm that can help you in your life if you open your mind to the possibilities.
First some background. Tax season does NOT end on April 15th; it ends around Memorial Day. Tax season begins around mid-December with setting up tax software and mailing calendars and pre-appointments to clients. Between Christmas and New Year's Day the office is fully staffed with all non-tax preparing employees and additional part-time help. Pre-appointments take a lot of time to set up in the computer. Happy Holidays guys!
January is flush with year-end payroll reports, 1099s, and W-2s. All regular full- and part-time employees begin their tax season schedule the first workday of January. A few small tax returns straggle in by mid-January with a rapid influx the last few days of the month and escalating to season heights in early February.
With a large number of smaller tax returns done, March puts the rush on corporate returns due March 15th. By now the entire office is living on caffeine to keep going. But there is no time to lollygag. The April 15th deadline is fast approaching.
All this time, from mid-December to mid-April, I promise people I'll get to my other work as soon as tax season is over. And, like clock work, the phone rings 926 times with 23, 439 emails on April 16th. Every phone call and email starts with, "Getting ready to enjoy your vacation time?" I smile, but my teeth are grinding. I roll up my sleeves and dig in hot and heavy. By about June 1st I am reasonably caught up. Then I sit back, crack open a cold one and sleep the day away until next December. Oh wait! That last bit was my fantasy. Sorry about that.
I know what you are thinking. You think I am a lucky stiff that works half the year and takes it easy the other half playing golf and other assorted distractions. Well, I am sorry to burst your bubble, but, things only slow down from the hectic to the barely manageable for the last half of the year. What the slow down does allow is for some time for personal interests.
Accountants make their money (virtually all of it) in the first half of the year. It is common to work for six months at a loss to make a nice income in the spring. Accountants are also tight with a dollar. We have to be. The paycheck we get in late April needs to last until January. Compared to most accountants, I am even tighter. My wife says it takes the Jaws of Life to open my wallet. She also says Washington and Lincoln squint when my wallet is opened from the rare glimpse of sunlight.
Accountants are practical people. At least I like to tell myself such. That extra three or four minutes a day allows me to have a nice garden. I am up to four this year and am proud to tell you I should break the 1000 pound mark for harvested potatoes this year. I also added three varieties of grapes and raspberries this year. This fall we should can 50 or more quarts of pears and another 30 of plums. I make home-made wine (dandelion, red clover, current, and grape are my favorite), can and freeze hundreds of pounds of beans carrots, cauliflower, broccoli, and anything else I was crazy enough to plant. We also dehydrate hundred of onions, pears and apples.
I tell you these things so you understand where I am and how my thought processes work. You see, I like to extend the period of time I make money. I need something to add to the garden that takes only a modest amount of work, makes good money, and takes time outside tax season only. And that leads to today's topic: Gus What?
I have a small asparagus patch that has kept me satisfied for years. But this year I bought a few more crowns and propagated what I already have. Next year my production should skyrocket over 400%; the year after should exceed 2,000% of this year's take. Within five years I hope to harvest asparagus (which I affectionately call gusses) by the ton. Asparagus sells for $3-4 a pound in local grocery stores. One acre well tended can produce between 3 and 8 tones of asparagus. It takes an hour or so to pick an acre of asparagus. Asparagus picking season is one month where I live (from mid May to mid June). Asparagus keeps well if the cut ends are placed in cold water and kept in the fridge. Asparagus can remain fresh months this way. I can see a nice new side business developing.
This morning for breakfast I enjoyed gusses cut into one inch pieces, sautéed in olive oil, mixed with scrambled eggs until completely done, and covered in Tabasco. My god, I was in heaven.
Oh! I gotta go. My wife is coming and she doesn't like me talking these fantasies. She knows I'm just crazy enough to do it.
First some background. Tax season does NOT end on April 15th; it ends around Memorial Day. Tax season begins around mid-December with setting up tax software and mailing calendars and pre-appointments to clients. Between Christmas and New Year's Day the office is fully staffed with all non-tax preparing employees and additional part-time help. Pre-appointments take a lot of time to set up in the computer. Happy Holidays guys!
January is flush with year-end payroll reports, 1099s, and W-2s. All regular full- and part-time employees begin their tax season schedule the first workday of January. A few small tax returns straggle in by mid-January with a rapid influx the last few days of the month and escalating to season heights in early February.
With a large number of smaller tax returns done, March puts the rush on corporate returns due March 15th. By now the entire office is living on caffeine to keep going. But there is no time to lollygag. The April 15th deadline is fast approaching.
All this time, from mid-December to mid-April, I promise people I'll get to my other work as soon as tax season is over. And, like clock work, the phone rings 926 times with 23, 439 emails on April 16th. Every phone call and email starts with, "Getting ready to enjoy your vacation time?" I smile, but my teeth are grinding. I roll up my sleeves and dig in hot and heavy. By about June 1st I am reasonably caught up. Then I sit back, crack open a cold one and sleep the day away until next December. Oh wait! That last bit was my fantasy. Sorry about that.
I know what you are thinking. You think I am a lucky stiff that works half the year and takes it easy the other half playing golf and other assorted distractions. Well, I am sorry to burst your bubble, but, things only slow down from the hectic to the barely manageable for the last half of the year. What the slow down does allow is for some time for personal interests.
Accountants make their money (virtually all of it) in the first half of the year. It is common to work for six months at a loss to make a nice income in the spring. Accountants are also tight with a dollar. We have to be. The paycheck we get in late April needs to last until January. Compared to most accountants, I am even tighter. My wife says it takes the Jaws of Life to open my wallet. She also says Washington and Lincoln squint when my wallet is opened from the rare glimpse of sunlight.
Accountants are practical people. At least I like to tell myself such. That extra three or four minutes a day allows me to have a nice garden. I am up to four this year and am proud to tell you I should break the 1000 pound mark for harvested potatoes this year. I also added three varieties of grapes and raspberries this year. This fall we should can 50 or more quarts of pears and another 30 of plums. I make home-made wine (dandelion, red clover, current, and grape are my favorite), can and freeze hundreds of pounds of beans carrots, cauliflower, broccoli, and anything else I was crazy enough to plant. We also dehydrate hundred of onions, pears and apples.
I tell you these things so you understand where I am and how my thought processes work. You see, I like to extend the period of time I make money. I need something to add to the garden that takes only a modest amount of work, makes good money, and takes time outside tax season only. And that leads to today's topic: Gus What?
I have a small asparagus patch that has kept me satisfied for years. But this year I bought a few more crowns and propagated what I already have. Next year my production should skyrocket over 400%; the year after should exceed 2,000% of this year's take. Within five years I hope to harvest asparagus (which I affectionately call gusses) by the ton. Asparagus sells for $3-4 a pound in local grocery stores. One acre well tended can produce between 3 and 8 tones of asparagus. It takes an hour or so to pick an acre of asparagus. Asparagus picking season is one month where I live (from mid May to mid June). Asparagus keeps well if the cut ends are placed in cold water and kept in the fridge. Asparagus can remain fresh months this way. I can see a nice new side business developing.
This morning for breakfast I enjoyed gusses cut into one inch pieces, sautéed in olive oil, mixed with scrambled eggs until completely done, and covered in Tabasco. My god, I was in heaven.
Oh! I gotta go. My wife is coming and she doesn't like me talking these fantasies. She knows I'm just crazy enough to do it.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Stupid Laws
All work and no play is unhealthy. Therefore, today I am going to have some fun with stupid laws around the world. The laws listed below come from Facts of Life, a mailer from Bouwer Printing.
- Men in strapless gowns can be fined in Florida,
- Running out of gas on Germany's Autobahn is illegal.
- It is illegal to carry a violin down the street in a paper bag in Salt Lake City, UT.
- The penalty for jumping off a building in New York is death.
- It is illegal to sell dolls without a human face in France. Sorry Elmo.
- It is illegal to ride an ugly horse in Wilbur, Washington.
- Butter substitutes can not be sold in Wisconsin state prisons.
- It is illegal to set a mousetrap in California without a hunting licence.
- It is illegal to go to bed in Massachusetts without first taking a bath.
- Coasting downhill in neutral is illegal in Rhode Island.
- Sleeping while you drive is illegal in Tennessee.
- You are not allowed to dye ducks blue and then sell them in Kentucky.
Smile big and have a good weekend.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
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