Use Drugs and Drive

I watch little television and when I do it is usually football, the history or learning channels. When I watch football I mute the sound and read, peaking above the pages to see how things are going every so often. As I write this, the Giants are edging the Cowboys and the sound is off.

Outside football season I watch even less TV. In August of this year I watched zero television. None. Not even a second. Not even with the sound off. Normally I enjoy a good science or history program several times a week and will indulge with a movie once or twice a month. Not this August. And it wasn’t intentional. I just noticed in September I hadn’t watched TV in over a month.

Now that the holidays are here I sometimes watch the game with the sound on. If I don’t fall into a pleasant slumber, I quickly bore from all the commercials. Then I start flicking between games as commercials come on. Before long a commercial storm blankets all the games on at the same time. I counter by checking the science and history channels. Then, as it always happens, every channel spends an eon spewing “important messages.”

Last night and part of this afternoon I watched and listened to the game, flicked between games when necessary, and diverted to the science and history channels as desperation set in. I noticed something disturbing about the advertisements: most were selling drugs or gas-guzzling vehicles. Let’s explore the message.

What advertisers want us to do is ask our doctor about everything, as if we are so stupid and need a pill for everything, even things we didn’t know was wrong. If I listened to these ads I would be erect 39 hours a day, would need to see my doctor because after four hours I may have a serious problem, and I should piss better, faster, more often, less often, and probably shake off the last drop with the wrong hand.

I did learn a few things from these ads. First, if a drug is advertised, don’t use it. My reasoning: If a medication really does the job your doctor will prescribe it for you if it is necessary. If the drug requires advertising to push the product, I have serious doubts about the medication. My guess is that it is very expensive and other cheaper medications may perform as well or better. I think they count on you being stupid and sending the bill to your insurance company, but when your employer’s insurance premiums go up, there is less money available to give you a raise or even pay you at all. So, is it that important to piss well with a hard-on?

Next, we tackle the vehicle ads. It seems that the only vehicles offered on TV are big, gas-guzzling trucks and SUVs. Detroit still hasn’t learned their lesson. Eventually, the government will turn us into a third- world nation bailing out idiot corporations. Letting them fail now is easier than bailing them out and watching them fail later anyway.

Once you add all the commercials together you get one simple message: Get a ton of over-priced drugs from your doctor and drive the biggest vehicle you can finance. Folks, if you want quality of life, use as few medications as possible, drive a reasonable vehicle that doesn’t destroy the environment and you financially at the same time.

Am I the only one that feels this way? I encourage you to follow my example and turn off the idiot box before it causes you permanent damage. You know, there are really good books and magazines available for entertainment. I also bet the kids would love extra time with mom and dad. And as long as we are talking mom and dad, when is the last time you had a heart-to-heart talk with yours. What about your siblings, friends, and neighbors? They are good people to know, too.

And remember: Don’t drink and drive.